Trying to get your point across to another individual can be a challenge for many people on a daily basis. The challenge at work of trying to get your boss to see that you’re doing your best, your spouse that you do love them, and your children that you are only one person. Sometimes it’s the multiple conversations going on in your own head about this and that leaving you indecisive and uncertain about what you believe or desire.
It’s all about effective communication! I know you’ve heard that before. I have for years and years and years. The struggle of trying to understand other people’s passions and view points and the disappointment they have when you don’t get what they are trying to say or see the value in what they’re talking about.
How do we speak the same language and not understand each other?
I grew up a middle child between two boys. I always felt squeezed, left out and misunderstood. An older brother who got all of the older brother attention and a younger brother who got all the baby boy attention. So, I never really having a voice. I became insecure and timid whenever I had to say something that challenged me. The fear of not being heard feeling rejected or left feeling stupid gripped my emotions and caused me to cower. I realized I was suffering from a lack of confidence in myself due to a lack of consistent engagement from the people I trusted the most, my parents.
Don’t get me wrong, growing up in the Shorter household was far from the worst. We had a great upbringing but the longing for conversation that focused on my needs and desires or even my thoughts and opinions would have help me long-term create confident dialogue as well as offer value about what I had to say in any given situation.
The practice of engagement allows the brain……..
to be trained on how to respond. In conjunction to how to respond the emotions we get from interacting with people we know, like and trust ties a certain feeling of confidence and a release of hormones so that your mind is less thinking about if the other person thinks you’re an idiot and more on how you can make the conversation more valuable for the listener.
The true of art of communication begins with knowing who you are and the value you bring to the table. It also means knowing the person or people you are talking to, their needs, desires and level of communication and or interpretation.
A mentor of mine told me that most of the time two people having a conversation are having two different conversations. I asked, “How is that?” Because most people aren’t really listening with the intent to learn or understand the other person. They are listening with intent to speak or give an answer to a previous concept or understanding that may have which may not be accurate or applicable to the current conversation.
It happens all the time, right? For example, you tell your child to clean their bedroom today and later when you check they say, “I thought you meant tomorrow.” How did you get that interpretation? Because you said that last time. When was last time? When you told me last week I could go to the movies and clean the next day. Well last week is different from this week. I said today and I mean today! Lol.
People hear what they want to hear but the reality is we have to care enough to listen to the concerns of the other person.
I love how Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Five Agreements puts it. According to Don everything we do is based on agreements with ourselves, other people, God and with life. He says the most important agreement is with ourselves. With these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible and what is impossible. Basically, we program our own thinking good or bad and we make an agreement to believe and behave a certain way giving off premeditated responses.
How can one learn new information or remain open that way? Overall, this will negatively affect two people having a conversation, why? Because both have not agreed to listen and learn from the other before assuming they already know what they are going to say.
My mentors in life always said stay open Daniel. Unless it’s blatantly wrong or goes against your values listen and be open. The truth is one who listens enough times develops wisdom because they began to hear how to help solve problems versus become defensive or the know it all in the equation.
Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states clearly that we must ‘Seek to Understand before being Understood!’ That principle alone in conjunction to the entire 7 Habits changed my life after reading the book. I had a complete paradigm shift.
Over the years through experience, education, reading and coaching I’ve learned and still am learning that the Art of Communication is developed over time by doing the following:
5 Fundamental Principles of Communication
- Spend time speaking to little children- It will keep you engaged with people who don’t judge you or make you feel in adequate. Children are also very smart and will tell you about yourself and how you can be better, in a nonthreatening manner.
- Read daily- Read your favorite content and meditate on what the writer is saying and how it is relevant in your personal life. Most authors or bloggers are writing from personal experiences they’ve had or overcome and want to share. They also write about research they’ve gathered from several resources along with their opinion, creating a framework of communication for you to follow or learn from.
- Remember the Golden Rule- Treat others the way you want to be treated and be sure to want more for yourself so you will want to serve others even more.
- As Stephen Covey says, “Seek to understand before being understood.” You will gain the respect of those you converse with and you will also learn to listen with your heart rather than just with your ears to hear what people are really saying; establishing trust and relationship.
- Practice over and over again with the intention to teach other people more effective communication.
Your spouse will appreciate it, your children would love it and your clients will VALUE IT!
Have an Epic DAY!
-Daniel Shorter III